HORIST: Christmas fruitcake recipe – Republican and Democrat versions
In proposing this holiday special bake-off, there was a bit of a problem with the naming of the recipes. While the Republicans were quite happy with the dessert being known by its traditional name of “Christmas fruitcake.” Democrats would not participate under that name.
They declared that referring to “Christmas” would be a culinary violation of the separation of church and state – and offensive to non-Christians. It is in that same tradition of changing the “Christmas tree” to “holiday tree” – or even “Festivus tree.”
They also objected to the use of the word “fruit” since it could be viewed as a pejorative against gay folks. We must keep that in mind when we purchase fruit juice – and especially a fruit cocktail.
In fact, the Democrats wanted to completely change the dessert to an “impeach cobbler,” but we insisted on keeping with the holiday favorite – at least for many of us. In keeping with the tradition, we wanted to honor the fruitcake as the most popular and yet most ridiculed dessert of all time.
Instead of calling it a Christmas fruitcake, however, the Democrat dessert chefs insisted that we call their recipe the “Winter Solstice Non-Genetically Modified, Sugar-Free, Non-Dairy, Non-Alcoholic, Meatless Vegan Cake.”
As a disclaimer, we must note that Democrats did not live up to that title when preparing their concoction. What they offered up was far different than what they claimed in the title. Since that is their tradition, we allowed some deviations.
With all that aside, here are the recipes submitted by the Republicans and Democrats.
THE REPUBLICAN RECIPE
List of ingredients.
8 ounces red candied cherries, halved
8 ounces green candied cherries, halved
8 ounces seedless raisins or chopped dates
2 cups bourbon
1 1/2 cups (3 sticks) butter, room temperature
2 cups granulated white sugar
1 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
6 large eggs, separated
5 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups chopped pecans
2 teaspoons ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon baking powder
Preheat oven to 275 degrees before starting. The GOP got off to a strong start.
- Soak fruit in high quality red-state Kentucky bourbon overnight – consuming what is left over according to personal taste.
- In a large bowl, cream Wisconsin butter and white and brown sugars with electric beater until fluffy.
- Add egg yolks and beat well.
- Stir in soaked fruit with bourbon.
- Add another shot of bourbon, if you have any left – and finish the rest now.
- In a separate bowl, add ½ cup of flour and pecans (or walnuts, if you prefer).
- Add remaining flour, nutmeg and baking powder to the creamed mixture and blend well.
- In another bowl, beat egg whites with an electric mixer until stiff peaks form (Hopefully YOU are not stiff by now).
- Fold egg whites into the cake batter.
- Add floured pecans (walnuts) and fold gently.
- Pour in 10-inch greased and floured tube pan.
- Bake for 3 to 3 ½ hours at 275 degrees.
- Let cool for ½ hour and remove from pan.
- Place in sealed container for a few days.
- Go out and buy more Kentucky bourbon.
Sprinkle a bit of powdered sugar on top and cut into half inch slices. Will serve 10 people.
The Democrat recipe
- 16 ounces of dried prunes and whatever else the group agrees to include – and do not refer to it as fruits.
- Add lots of blueberries picked by illegal immigrants for the appropriate color.
- As many nuts as you can possibly include. There is no limit.
- Skip the bourbon.
- 3 cups of brown sugar. NO WHITE SUGAR.
- 6 large eggs from free-range chickens – and do not separate the yolk from the other part.
- 5 cups of rice or soy flour.
- For the Joe Scarborough version, add one tablespoon of each parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.
Do not preheat the oven since that increases the carbon footprint of the recipe – and do not use any plastic utensils in the preparation.
- Place all ingredients in large baking pan, being careful to maintain their separate identities. Do not allow them to mix into a common batter.
- Place pan in cold oven and set temperature to 100 degrees for 15 minutes – assuring that it will be half baked.
- There will be no powdered sugar sprinkled on top. Apparently, the chefs snorted it.
This will serve up to 48 dieting Democrats, but you have to lie to the vegans. It is best served on the Festivus Day of December 23 – the day of mocking rejection of the traditional religious holidays of the season. The Democrat recipe should be eaten with ample amounts of bottled (glass, of course) water since you will find it a bit hard to swallow.
A winning recipe could not be determined. Since the judges were equally divided between Republicans and Democrats, the vote was tied after votes. You can try both recipes and see which you think is the better choice.
So, there ‘tis.